Healing my relationship with my mother
I recently returned to Toronto, and my mom made me one of my favourite vegan Vietnamese dishes ever: Hủ tiếu chay
My mom has been showering me with love by making me all of my favourite Vietnamese dishes vegan, which she has been learning to do through YouTube (cute, right?!)
I see this as love now, but to be honest… it has taken a lot of work to transform my relationship with my mom. Our relationship is complicated.
My father left us when we were 8 years old, making my mother a single parent to two daughters in a new city where she didn't speak the language.
So at 8 years old, I became a caretaker of my mother's needs.
I'd book and translate doctors appointments. Translate important documents for my mom to sign. I'd translate at the bank, at the grocery store, at parent/teacher nights. I'd be her advocate at the hospital when she had health issues. or my sister had an allergic reaction. I'd take care of my sister and help with her homework while my mom worked late nights.
I learnt at 8 years old to take care of everyone else before myself.
The caretaking responsibility made me extremely bitter and resentful.
Growing up I'd often yell and say nasty things to my mom. Then I'd feel guilty about it, and repeat.
This caretaking role continued to play out in other areas of my life.
In past romantic relationships, I'd mother my partner. Taking care of everything… laundry, cooking, rent, his emotional well-being. I'd take care of him before I'd take care of myself.
At work and school, I was a perfectionist. Again, taking care of others' needs in order to prove that I was good enough. Often to the detriment of my own well-being.
Now as a much more aware adult who has done a lot of inner work and healing, my relationship with my mother has changed so much.
My mother in many ways is still the same woman. Her trauma and survival strategies are still present but this time… instead of expecting her or wishing that she'd change and get angry about it… I am much more patient and compassionate.
Our relationship has grown in ways I never thought possible as a teenager.
I've realized that:
It's not my responsibility to change or “fix” her.
It's not my responsibility to manage her emotions, or make sure she's happy.
It's not my responsibility to make sure everything is taken care of.
Letting go of the responsibility of taking care of her has let me heal the care taker energy / wound / need to mother people.
Taking responsibility for others is disempowering to both oneself and the other person – and can often lead to bitterness and resentment.
Now, I embody this:
I get to anchor into my own responsibility with joy. The more I take care of myself, the more joy I feel, and the more joy I feel, the more others feel it too.
This is my approach to coaching.
I am not responsible for you.
You learn to take joyful responsibility for yourself.
I am not here to fix or change you.
By taking responsibility you empower your own agency and sovereignty to heal, grow, change yourself.
I don't know more than you or have “the” right answer for you.
You have answers to unlock within you when you are supported to shift your awareness, perceptions, thoughts and energy.
This is the magic that happens inside my 1:1 coaching containers.
My clients learn to shift from being responsible for EVERYONE ELSE and focus on their own well-being.
They feel more joy in life.
They learn to drop the guilt and embody more ease in life, work and relationships.
They have more fun and feel like for the first time they can actually trust themselves and their intuition.
If you're interested in working with me, here's the link to my 1:1 coaching application: https://forms.gle/yBsRHqrKgWvQDtdR8
Whether or not you choose to work with me ever, right now, or later, I hope that you know that you don't have to be responsible for everyone.
With so much love,
Victoria
pps. don't just take my word for it that magic happens inside my 1:1 containers. here's what clients say:
